I am writing mainly to comment on the
irresponsible behaviour of people who wait until January before
trying to obtain their haggis. No wonder the media is so full of
'accidents in the hills'. I can see now why our Mountain rescue
teams are so overstretched every year at this time if this behaviour
is becoming the norm. It is a known fact that the conditions in the
Scottish Mountains are invariably so bad in January that most
'Jackalop Haggii Vulgaris' are in semi-hibernation below the tree
line. Anyone who has not had the sense to lay one away before
now should not be out shooting and putting the rescue teams'
lives at risk.
The laying away ceremony
was developed before the days of freezers and it may be that
the 'craft' has been forgotten.
You will need:
One or a quantity of haggii,
spade, leather apron, badge containing sextant, square and dividers.
One trouser leg rolled up (right leg)
A night where the moonlight is dulled by a haze
Proceed as follows:
Go out into the woods but make sure that the moon is in
sight. Find a large tree. Stand with your back to it, facing
directly at the moon. Take 22.5 short paces toward the moon.
Stop and turn 45 degrees right. Take 16.25 medium paces on
this heading. Stop and turn 45 degrees right. Take 16.25
medium paces on this heading and at exactly 16.25, swing a
further 45 deg. right over the course of 11 tiny paces.
Stop and turn 45 deg. left. Take 14.5 medium
paces on this course. Stop and turn to face the moon. Dig a
hole one half a spade shaft deep. Bury the haggis(i). Roll
down the right leg and roll up the left leg of your trousers.
Turn 90 deg. left.
Shut your eyes.
Take 43.25 giant strides on this heading, turning 45 degrees
right and left on every alternate 4 full paces. Open your eyes
and go home. Roll down your trouser leg before you meet anyone
unless they already know the silly organisation you are a
member of.
No earlier than January the
24th, go out on a dark, overcast night and fing your 'stash'
for use on the 25th. If by some miracle you do find it, soak
it in a mixture of whisky and bleach for 6 hours before
cooking at over 100 deg. celcius for a minimum of eight
hours.
